Traumatic nightmare

She is lying on the bed. Bulks of bandages are covered layer by layer. 

First layer is inside herself.

Second layer is on her wound.

Third layer is upon her body except her face which is floating to breathe in and breathe out.

 

Still, many more layers of bandages are around but not physically anymore.


Some are as white as the wall in front of her.

Some are as dark as the night seeing through the glass window pane.
Some are as red as her blood what she saw just now.
Some are as blank as her face with nothing but only fear.

She is kept thinking ….

why she is here..

where this  illness come from..,

why didn’t she seek any second opinion…

why she needs to cut her flesh even three times without any happiness..

what  is the purpose of all these things…

which direction God wanted to go for…

how long God wanted to wait for..

what if she choose not to do this.. not to do that..

what if she not wasted her valuable time..

what if she more decisive..

what if she more assertive..

what if she more optimistic..

what if she more energetic..

what if she stop thinking about these bloody (if)s

what if.. what if..

If.. If..If…if..if..if..

GOD !   please give me strength… She murmurs herself. 

Her hands are tightly crossed over the chest and  slowly counting  her fingers  1 to 10.. 10 to 20 .. 20  to 30… until fall sleepy. But nothing was changing.  Even a smallest piece of PEACE  doesn’t come  in her mind. Everything is worry, regret, confusion, uncertainty.

Worries are so much whirling around.  Regret keep wake her up. She is totally confused with the heavy thought of It should be the last nightmare… how She could possibly doing it.. with what strength.. What motivation..What cause.

OH.. don’t want to do it again.. can’t even imagine of it.

It’s  BLOODY  ENOUGH.

++++++

The door was opened. The nurse came in to the room.  She smiled professionally and  raised the syringe technically, which is filled with 75 ml of Pethidine.

Finally, the nightmare was ended. But the trauma was left stranded.

 

( recapture of 23rd June 2011)

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Traumatic nightmare